Well whatever. Anyway. I’m going to post my recipe for what are, without contest, the Kick Assingest Cinnamon Rolls EVAR.  Because people are asking for it. So yeah. I’m not a recipe snob or anything so I’ll share. You don’t even have to say please.  NOW, I’m not going to treat you like a kindergartner and give you step by step photos because I’m going to assume you know how to bake. If you don’t know how to bake then feel free to ask me any questions you may have. Without further adieu.

KICK ASS BEST CINNAMON ROLLS EVAR

1 c milk warm (110* F)

2 1/2 tsp. active dry yeast

1/2 c. sugar

1 tsp salt

2 eggs (at room temp)

1/3 butter melted

4 1/2 c bread flour

 

Topping (what you put on before you roll up):

1/3 c. butter (softened)

1 c. packed brown sugar

1/4 c. white sugar

2 Tbls. cinnamon

(you may opt for 1 c. packed brown sugar and no white if you prefer)

FROSTING: (Yes, FROSTING).

1 8 oz pkg cream cheese

1/2 c butter

3 c. powdered sugar

1 tsp. vanilla

1/4 tsp. salt

splash of milk (if you need it to make it thinner)

 

Directions are given for a stand mixer (kitchen aid type). If you need to use a hand mixer the kneading portion will be done by hand. Throw in your mixer the milk, sugar, yeast, salt. Let stand for 10 minutes (to activate yeast). Add in salt and butter. Blend in the flour 1/2 cup at a time (use the paddle for the first 2 cups then switch to hook). Keep adding flour until the dough is no longer sticky and then mix another 2 minutes. (Now here’s the kneading part… if you don’t have a stand mixer knead for 5 minutes. I like to think of this as a zen activity). Grease a large bowl. Place the dough in the bottom of the bowl. Turn to coat. Cover with a damp towel and let rise in a warm place (I put it in the oven on 100* because well my over has a WARM setting. How brilliant is THAT?) until double (an hour to an hour and a half or you know longer if you *happen* to sit down on the sofa and fall sound asleep). When doubled punch down and let rest for about 10 minutes. Or 20 if your baby needs to nurse. Or 30 if you fall asleep again (not recommended). Now the fun! Flour a large flat surface (I use my kitchen table) and roll those suckers out. Make it a good foot or longer tall and at least 18 inches wide. The wider the dough the more “rolled” the rolls, if you get my meaning. Then spread the softened (or melted if you put it in the microwave and forgot) butter over the dough. Sprinkle sugar(s) and cinnamon (I don’t measure the cinnamon because I’m a rebel). Then roll up jelly roll style and divide (and cut) into 12 equal parts (a serrated knife works best for this). Place them in a greased 9×13 pan and let rise for another 30 ish minutes (until doubled-ish). Bake at 400* for 15 minutes. If you like you can invert these onto a cookie sheet before they cool so the gooey awesomeness can ooze all over the tops.

Before Baking:

 

Now mix up the creamy frosting of deliciousness  by throwing the butter and cream cheese in the mixer, adding the vanilla and salt and then dumping in the powdered sugar a 1/2 c at a time. Add a little milk to make it thinner is you like. NOTE: this frosting keeps in the fridge for a long time. I store it in the fridge and smear it on when the rolls are being served. Up to you.

After baking:

Try not to die from the awesomeness. Try.

There you are BEST KICK ASSINGEST CINNAMON ROLLS. EVAR.

Amen.

recipes

New feature: YAY.

I like to cook.

And when I say I like to cook I meeeeeean, I like to make cake. And cookies. And bread. And cake. And pie. Those things all have flour. Frown. Hello, my name is Joni and I am a carb addict. Anyway, when I say new feature I meeeeeeean, I’m going to give you the recipes of my most favorite-ist things. Which are mostly desserts. And rarely like really good for you. But always really good. I’ll throw in some good for you stuff too. But I believe everything in moderation. Which meeeeeans I’m not going to eat this whole loaf of bread at once.  Swear.

(Note: even if you don’t want to bake this bread, read the recipe, because it’s my blog for the day. You know, or don’t. Whatever you feel like today. What I feel like is I’ve been ordered to bed by my Chiro. More on this another day.)

In this installment:

Cinnamon Swirly Swirl  Egg Bread

I’m not going to give you a complete play-by-play because I’m going to assume you know how to do things like put flour in a mixer. Dur. But I will give you some photos and detail for fun. This is a yeast bread. Do not be afraid. I command you. I don’t know why yeast scares people. It’s just yeast. Just don’t kill it and you’ll be ok.  Bread baking commence.

Get this stuff:

Which is:

6.5-7.5 c. flour (all purpose if you want to be naughty, if you want to be good half it with whole wheat. We’re naughty today. Well we’re naughty a lot actually but ANYway.)

2 pkgs of active dry yeast (OR 4.5 tsp from the jar)

2 c. milk (I use 1 %. Not so fatty. Fatty milk. Yum.)

1/4 c sugar + 1/2 c sugar for the swirly swirl part

1/4 c butter (please for the love of all that is sacred and holy do not use margarine. Ew. Did you know margarine is ONE molecule away from being PLASTIC? Ew. Did I say ew? Ew.)

2. tsp salt

3 eggs

2 tsp cinnamon (this isn’t in the photo cause I forgot. Sue me. On second thought please don’t, just go get some now)

Let it all get to room temp (this is a good general baking rule)

Also you need 2 loaf pans (cause it makes 2 loaves. Duh.)

and something to grease them with (your choice, butter, oil. crisco whatever you’ve got that keep things from sticking. Not motor oil. Or lotion.)

 

And here you go. Put about 3 c. flour in a mixer with the yeast and stir it up (I use a KitchenAid. I would DIE without my KitchenAid. I wish KitchenAid cared that I said KitchenAid four times just now so they’d give me a new one cause this one is oooold. But they don’t and they won’t. So moving on.) After you’ve done this mix your milk, butter, sugar and salt together in a pan on the stove. Warm it up to about 110-115 degrees F. NOT HOTTER THAN THAT. Or you will MURDER THE YEAST and your bread will be flat like a pancake, but not a good pancake cause there’s no baking powder in this recipe. Anyway… If you stir it continuously 110-115 is about at the point where the butter is melted. Almost.

Like so:

(Yes. That’s a laser thermometer. Don’t ask. Not necessary but the Man had it already. Need I say more?)

Then toss that in with the flour and the eggs. Mix it up. If you have a KitchenAid (Did I mention I LOVE my KitchenAid?) then use the paddle.  If not, just use whatever you’ve got. It’s all good. Mix it for a couple of minutes.

Like so:

Then switch to your dough hook (again if you’ve got the greatest mixer ever invented). Now add 3 MORE c. flour and mix it on low. NOW you’ve got two choices.  Choice #1 leave it in ye old mixer and add flour 1/4 c at a time until it’s no longer sticky OR knead it old school style. I like to knead it personally. Because I like to do things the hard way. Kneading bread is a zen activity. If you let it be. And if your baby doesn’t start crying. If your baby does start crying it’s more likely to become a frenzied act of trying to knead one handed without having the baby fall in head first. I know this. Sigh. If you’re doing it the old school way it’s gonna take about 7 minutes. Depending on how vigorous you are. Build those biceps ladies (and you too Mike and Jordan). Go.

Warning: This is going to happen (and if you’re trying to photograph it it’s going to get on your camera, or phone as it were):

Don’t worry when you’re done it’ll look like this:

Ah

OK once you’re done with that, pop it in a greased bowl (turn it over once to make sure the top is greased. Otherwise you’re eating towel bread) cover it with a damp towel (flour sack or something else thin works best, you can buy them at walmart) and let it sit about an hour or until doubled. I typically warm my oven up and put it in there (I have a warm setting though. Do NOT try to let it rise in a 350 degree oven. Fail. Epic.)

When it’s done rising for the first time it looks like THIS

Punch it down. Whammo: (don’t beat it up just punch it down) and let it take a 10 minute nap (this is call ‘resting’)

Divide it in two.

Roll it out (about 15X 8 inches). Brush surface with water and sprinkle with 1/4 sugar per rectangle and 1 tsp cinammon. Or more. Or less. However much you love or don’t love cinammon

Then roll it up. Jellyroll style yo. (Sorry I tried to take a photo of this but I was also holding the baby so consequently it looks like the baby took the photo)

Put it in a greased pan. And let it rise AGAIN. about 30-45 minutes OR until it’s almost double. And Bake 35 minutes or so at 375 degrees. Done. (please pardon the odd shadows on this photo. It was late. And frankly if I hadn’t taken the picture then, there would be nothing left to take a picture of. This morning…there are crumbs. That’s all.)

This makes great toast, french toast or eaten right out of the pan at the sink in the dark, I mean, uh, never mind. Also, if you like raisins you can throw a cup or two in when you mix the eggs and flour and milk together. Make sure you plump em first (that is soak them in hot water) so they don’t make your bread all dry and gross.


And thanks for coming by.

 

happy bread-baking,

j

 

 

recipes

The one where you see why I can’t post a recipe for the honey wheat rolls I made:

 

 

Because I’m still cleaning up the mess.

 

And yes, that is a cucumber. Don’t ask.

(nearly) wordless wednesday , recipes


I’m not lying.

I know I said I was going to tell you how to make french bread.
I did lie about that.
Well not entirely. I will post that recipe and instruction soon but I made this pie again today and I thought to myself, “Self, you should share this recipe. Like now.”
This pie is a nice little spin on the basic pie and the combination of a few recipes that I tweaked a little bit until it’s basically so delicious that you’ll want to immediately die after you eat it.
Ok not die. But probably at least have a moment of reverent silence.
No other person on the face of the earth has this recipe.
You’re welcome.
Here it is:
Epic Apple Pie
Crust:
4 c flour
1 3/4 c shortening
3 T sugar
2 tsp salt
1 egg
1/2 cup water
Filling:
8 ish large apples (I use Granny Smith. Duh.)
2 T flour
2 T sugar
2 tsp cinnamon (Or more. Or less. You decide. I use it sparingly because frankly my mom put so much cinnamon in her pie that you could barely taste the apples. Sorry mom. Just keeping it real. I have a little bit of an aversion to cinnamon.)
Juice of half lemon
Topping:
1/2 c unsalted butter
3 T. flour
1/2 sugar
1/2 light brown sugar packed
1/4 water
And instructions:
First heat up the oven to 425 F.
Gather your ingredients. Here they are:
The lemon isn’t pictured. You need one. Sorry, I forgot. Also the butter and sugar aren’t pictured. You need those too. Oh heck, I’m not sure why I put this picture there at all.
Moving on.
Ok, peel up them apples. However thin or thick you like. I like them thin. That’s just a personal preference (also if you’re making a BIG pie like me they’ll get cooked through this way, if not they’ll be a little firm which is also tasty).
Please use a sharp knife. And don’t cut your finger. (I know you’re probably not 10, but just in case you are, be careful.)
Toss in there the lemon juice, flour, sugar and cinnamon. Stir it up.
Compost the peels (or eat them, or feed them to your pig, if you have one).
Now make the crust:
I command you to not be intimidated by making homemade pie crust. It’s not that hard and it makes a WORLD of pie difference. You can buy crust at the store (in the freezer or fridge section) but it is like 1/1,000,000th as good. If granny saw me using store pie pie crust she’d come back from the afterlife just to strangle me. And probably curse me out for not having my own chickens.
Here’s the dry stuff (and crisco):
Mix the egg and water and set in the fridge. You know, cause it’s cold in there.
This is how you do it: Mix up the dry stuff (that is flour, sugar, salt). Give it a good stir. Then cut in the shortening. You can use a pastry cutter (I got mine from Christmas) or you can use your fingers (some of the best pies I’ve ever had were made by my sister in law Deva and were made with the “fingers” method”) or two butter knives. Make a little well in the center and pour the egg and water into it. It should look about like this.
Mix it all up with a spoon until it’s well blended (I usually end up using my hands at this point).
Then divide it in about half. Note: This recipe makes probably two pies worth of crust but I always make deep dish so I just end up with some leftover bits. You can cut these into strips and put cinnamon and sugar on them and bake them up making a little treat that kids (and husbands, incidentally) love. I probably should have told you this earlier. Sorry.
Then throw some flour on some flat surface (this is my kitchen table which is basically the only place I ever roll anything out) and roll the crust out. Use enough flour to make sure it doesn’t stick. It’s helpful if it’s kind of cold (the dough, not the table). Once you’ve got it rolled out big enough lift it up and put it in the pie dish. Press it all in and then cut around the edge. If you like to can make it crimped and fancy schmancy like mine:


Pile the apples in there:
This pie is not. Messing. Around.
Now time for lattice. Roll out the other half the dough and cut it into strips about 1.5 inches or so wide and at least 10-12 inches long. You can use a pizza cutter. Or a knife. Like so:
If you need help figuring out how to do the lattice (I just lay it down one strip at a time starting with the top one and the one on the left side and working my way down and over ) here is a little step by step instruction.
Now let’s mix up topping. Melt the butter and add flour to make a pasty like substance then add in the water and sugar(s) and mix it all up.
Brush it over the crust using a pastry brush (or if you’re cheap like me just use a paintbrush {I swear I only use this for pie}). Then slowly pour the rest over the pie (and into the pie).

Bake at 425 for 15 minutes then reduce to 350 and bake another 35-45 minutes (I go the full 45 for the deep dish). It’s a good idea to set it on a cookie sheet (Unless you like the sound of your smoke detector).
You may now enjoy the best apple pie ever in the history of apple pie.
Can someone please come clean my kitchen?

cooking , epic apple pie , recipes