Well whatever. Anyway. I’m going to post my recipe for what are, without contest, the Kick Assingest Cinnamon Rolls EVAR.  Because people are asking for it. So yeah. I’m not a recipe snob or anything so I’ll share. You don’t even have to say please.  NOW, I’m not going to treat you like a kindergartner and give you step by step photos because I’m going to assume you know how to bake. If you don’t know how to bake then feel free to ask me any questions you may have. Without further adieu.

KICK ASS BEST CINNAMON ROLLS EVAR

1 c milk warm (110* F)

2 1/2 tsp. active dry yeast

1/2 c. sugar

1 tsp salt

2 eggs (at room temp)

1/3 butter melted

4 1/2 c bread flour

Topping (what you put on before you roll up):

1/3 c. butter (softened)

1 c. packed brown sugar

1/4 c. white sugar

2 Tbls. cinnamon

(you may opt for 1 c. packed brown sugar and no white if you prefer)

FROSTING: (Yes, FROSTING).

1 8 oz pkg cream cheese

1/2 c butter

3 c. powdered sugar

1 tsp. vanilla

1/4 tsp. salt

splash of milk (if you need it to make it thinner)

Directions are given for a stand mixer (kitchen aid type). If you need to use a hand mixer the kneading portion will be done by hand. Throw in your mixer the milk, sugar, yeast, salt. Let stand for 10 minutes (to activate yeast). Add in salt and butter. Blend in the flour 1/2 cup at a time (use the paddle for the first 2 cups then switch to hook). Keep adding flour until the dough is no longer sticky and then mix another 2 minutes. (Now here’s the kneading part… if you don’t have a stand mixer knead for 5 minutes. I like to think of this as a zen activity). Grease a large bowl. Place the dough in the bottom of the bowl. Turn to coat. Cover with a damp towel and let rise in a warm place (I put it in the oven on 100* because well my over has a WARM setting. How brilliant is THAT?) until double (an hour to an hour and a half or you know longer if you *happen* to sit down on the sofa and fall sound asleep). When doubled punch down and let rest for about 10 minutes. Or 20 if your baby needs to nurse. Or 30 if you fall asleep again (not recommended). Now the fun! Flour a large flat surface (I use my kitchen table) and roll those suckers out. Make it a good foot or longer tall and at least 18 inches wide. The wider the dough the more “rolled” the rolls, if you get my meaning. Then spread the softened (or melted if you put it in the microwave and forgot) butter over the dough. Sprinkle sugar(s) and cinnamon (I don’t measure the cinnamon because I’m a rebel). Then roll up jelly roll style and divide (and cut) into 12 equal parts (a serrated knife works best for this). Place them in a greased 9×13 pan and let rise for another 30 ish minutes (until doubled-ish). Bake at 400* for 15 minutes. If you like you can invert these onto a cookie sheet before they cool so the gooey awesomeness can ooze all over the tops.

Before Baking:

Now mix up the creamy frosting of deliciousness  by throwing the butter and cream cheese in the mixer, adding the vanilla and salt and then dumping in the powdered sugar a 1/2 c at a time. Add a little milk to make it thinner is you like. NOTE: this frosting keeps in the fridge for a long time. I store it in the fridge and smear it on when the rolls are being served. Up to you.

After baking:

Try not to die from the awesomeness. Try.

There you are BEST KICK ASSINGEST CINNAMON ROLLS. EVAR.

Amen.

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New feature: YAY.

I like to cook.

And when I say I like to cook I meeeeeean, I like to make cake. And cookies. And bread. And cake. And pie. Those things all have flour. Frown. Hello, my name is Joni and I am a carb addict. Anyway, when I say new feature I meeeeeeean, I’m going to give you the recipes of my most favorite-ist things. Which are mostly desserts. And rarely like really good for you. But always really good. I’ll throw in some good for you stuff too. But I believe everything in moderation. Which meeeeeans I’m not going to eat this whole loaf of bread at once.  Swear.

(Note: even if you don’t want to bake this bread, read the recipe, because it’s my blog for the day. You know, or don’t. Whatever you feel like today. What I feel like is I’ve been ordered to bed by my Chiro. More on this another day.)

In this installment:

Cinnamon Swirly Swirl  Egg Bread

I’m not going to give you a complete play-by-play because I’m going to assume you know how to do things like put flour in a mixer. Dur. But I will give you some photos and detail for fun. This is a yeast bread. Do not be afraid. I command you. I don’t know why yeast scares people. It’s just yeast. Just don’t kill it and you’ll be ok.  Bread baking commence.

Get this stuff:

Which is:

6.5-7.5 c. flour (all purpose if you want to be naughty, if you want to be good half it with whole wheat. We’re naughty today. Well we’re naughty a lot actually but ANYway.)

2 pkgs of active dry yeast (OR 4.5 tsp from the jar)

2 c. milk (I use 1 %. Not so fatty. Fatty milk. Yum.)

1/4 c sugar + 1/2 c sugar for the swirly swirl part

1/4 c butter (please for the love of all that is sacred and holy do not use margarine. Ew. Did you know margarine is ONE molecule away from being PLASTIC? Ew. Did I say ew? Ew.)

2. tsp salt

3 eggs

2 tsp cinnamon (this isn’t in the photo cause I forgot. Sue me. On second thought please don’t, just go get some now)

Let it all get to room temp (this is a good general baking rule)

Also you need 2 loaf pans (cause it makes 2 loaves. Duh.)

and something to grease them with (your choice, butter, oil. crisco whatever you’ve got that keep things from sticking. Not motor oil. Or lotion.)

And here you go. Put about 3 c. flour in a mixer with the yeast and stir it up (I use a KitchenAid. I would DIE without my KitchenAid. I wish KitchenAid cared that I said KitchenAid four times just now so they’d give me a new one cause this one is oooold. But they don’t and they won’t. So moving on.) After you’ve done this mix your milk, butter, sugar and salt together in a pan on the stove. Warm it up to about 110-115 degrees F. NOT HOTTER THAN THAT. Or you will MURDER THE YEAST and your bread will be flat like a pancake, but not a good pancake cause there’s no baking powder in this recipe. Anyway… If you stir it continuously 110-115 is about at the point where the butter is melted. Almost.

Like so:

(Yes. That’s a laser thermometer. Don’t ask. Not necessary but the Man had it already. Need I say more?)

Then toss that in with the flour and the eggs. Mix it up. If you have a KitchenAid (Did I mention I LOVE my KitchenAid?) then use the paddle.  If not, just use whatever you’ve got. It’s all good. Mix it for a couple of minutes.

Like so:

Then switch to your dough hook (again if you’ve got the greatest mixer ever invented). Now add 3 MORE c. flour and mix it on low. NOW you’ve got two choices.  Choice #1 leave it in ye old mixer and add flour 1/4 c at a time until it’s no longer sticky OR knead it old school style. I like to knead it personally. Because I like to do things the hard way. Kneading bread is a zen activity. If you let it be. And if your baby doesn’t start crying. If your baby does start crying it’s more likely to become a frenzied act of trying to knead one handed without having the baby fall in head first. I know this. Sigh. If you’re doing it the old school way it’s gonna take about 7 minutes. Depending on how vigorous you are. Build those biceps ladies (and you too Mike and Jordan). Go.

Warning: This is going to happen (and if you’re trying to photograph it it’s going to get on your camera, or phone as it were):

Don’t worry when you’re done it’ll look like this:

Ah

OK once you’re done with that, pop it in a greased bowl (turn it over once to make sure the top is greased. Otherwise you’re eating towel bread) cover it with a damp towel (flour sack or something else thin works best, you can buy them at walmart) and let it sit about an hour or until doubled. I typically warm my oven up and put it in there (I have a warm setting though. Do NOT try to let it rise in a 350 degree oven. Fail. Epic.)

When it’s done rising for the first time it looks like THIS

Punch it down. Whammo: (don’t beat it up just punch it down) and let it take a 10 minute nap (this is call ‘resting’)

Divide it in two.

Roll it out (about 15X 8 inches). Brush surface with water and sprinkle with 1/4 sugar per rectangle and 1 tsp cinammon. Or more. Or less. However much you love or don’t love cinammon

Then roll it up. Jellyroll style yo. (Sorry I tried to take a photo of this but I was also holding the baby so consequently it looks like the baby took the photo)

Put it in a greased pan. And let it rise AGAIN. about 30-45 minutes OR until it’s almost double. And Bake 35 minutes or so at 375 degrees. Done. (please pardon the odd shadows on this photo. It was late. And frankly if I hadn’t taken the picture then, there would be nothing left to take a picture of. This morning…there are crumbs. That’s all.)

This makes great toast, french toast or eaten right out of the pan at the sink in the dark, I mean, uh, never mind. Also, if you like raisins you can throw a cup or two in when you mix the eggs and flour and milk together. Make sure you plump em first (that is soak them in hot water) so they don’t make your bread all dry and gross.

And thanks for coming by.

happy bread-baking,

j

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