This is a long OVERDUE post that isn’t pregnancy related.
I have neglected the blog because, well, it’s not my priority. I don’t monetize my blog. I’ve never gotten anything free or made any money blogging. My blog is not my job. It is something I do for ME. My kids and my house are my my job and they are FULL TIME.
I find myself seeking balance. Looking for pause and reflection. This seems to be happening more and more and I suspect it has to do with growing new life. I’m past the mid point of pregnancy (I guess unless Max decides to cook to 43 weeks. Unlikely.) I can’t forget I’m pregnant for the huge belly but if it weren’t for that and the kicks I’d probably have to be reminded. Life with four kids is so incredibly busy. Like super super busy.
Ella has been teething and sick and sick and teething. And not sleeping. But also: Walking. Running. Talking. Demanding my CONSTANT attention.
I find myself asking my 13 year old multiple times a day either 1. Who he is texting or 2. Who he is on the phone with. This is both maddening and exhausting. And a little bit exciting seeing him come into his own. Also he has straight A’s so there’s that.
Raising a 16 year old daughter challenges me unlike I’d ever expected. I thought she was a hard baby. Yeah. I’d rather do that again. I mean the head shaking. The sighing. The plugging of ears. God I love that kid. I do. No REALLY I DO. She’s trying to grow up. And sometimes trying to make me a little crazy.
My 11 year old is thankfully the one kid who doesn’t want to talk back, bicker, snot mouth, ignore etc. He does his chores quietly and with little nudging. Now if only I could get him to stop leaving underwear on the floor. Next year he’ll be in junior high. And that makes me a little weak in the knees.
In any case you can see how this would get a little, eh hectic, on a day to day type basis. If I blog I can’t sew and if I sew I can’t blog and if I crochet or knit I can’t blog or sew and if I clean and cook and bake I can’t crochet or blog or knit OR sew. And if I manage to get all the laundry done I probably can’t do any of those things. Oh and there’s all my twitter friends, which are almost my only friends. And I’m finding that those lines are being crossed too where my twitter friends are becoming my REAL friends or vice versa so I don’t ever want to ignore these relationships either. And somewhere in there I have to mother these people and be a wife-y type person too and do it while my husband is gone half the week. So you know.
I’ve found, for my own PERSONAL brand of sanity, that I *really* need to do a little of all of those things. I NEED a clean house but I also NEED to sew and I NEED to knit ANd crochet AND cook and I am happiest when I am successful at all of that PLUS being a decent mother and wife. Or trying anyway.
And then there are days (weeks, MONTHS even) where people are sick or teething or just needy and I go days without ever spending time on MY sanity. And I start to feel a little, well, insane. And I usually cry. Sometimes I yell. Sometimes I clean. And most of the time I need Matt to say HEY YOU NEED TO SLEEP (or do something for yourself).
SO I try to eat healthy.
I take time to do some creative things that nourish me… like sewing:
Making curtains I’ve wanted for a year and a half (also a clean space and clean sheets helps).
Or crocheting with some NICE yarn (because I’m WORTH nice yarn).
Or make something for someone (in this case a hat for Max).
It’s easy to become very preoccupied with SURVIVING as a mother of one or two or four or five. And I have to remind myself that MY cup needs filling. I need fulfillment and sometimes I need nurturing too. Trying to do it all and be everything to everyone is a bad idea sometimes. Sometimes admitting the things you aren’t capable of makes you, in fact, capable. These are the lessons of womanhood and of motherhood. And I’m learning them. Daily.
If you were about the blog yesterday you might remember this little gem. The one where I was a whiny little be-otch. Last night the Man and I had to have a heart to heart about the dog. In other words, I told him the dog was making me insane. He concurred.
At least the dog wasn’t vomiting all over the house. And with the tofu incident of Tuesday behind us. I was feeling like things might be moving in a positive direction. Despite the dog crap and urine in the house.
That’s when I saw the Man bend down to wipe the floor.
“What are you doing?” said I.
“Just picking something up.” said he.
“It looks like….. a tick.”
“A WHAT THE HOLY HELL DID YOU JUST SAY?” (it was in fact, slightly less dramatic. But only slightly.)
OK so there are now creepy crawling biting infecting mites and burrowing blood sucking ticks. Awesome.
While all of this was going on I received news from a friend (Emily @ Joyful Abode) that another friend was quite ill and having an issue with her milk supply (that is, breastmilk supply). She wondered if I had any frozen. I did not have much as most of it has been eaten in the form of a breastmilk popsicle but I said I’d get to pumping. And pump I did. Last night. Twice this morning. Once this afternoon. I managed to get quite a few ounces of pretty fatty milk for her wee babe. Yay boobs.We can keep her baby fed until she’s mended. No sweat. I bet we end up with more milk than she even needs.
Then this afternoon a phone call from one of my Hospice friends. Seems the son of a former very dear patient of mine was killed. That’s two deaths in a year for that family.
With these two pieces of knowledge and a piece of humble pie, I managed to get some distance from myself. As I sat pumping and thinking (because it requires both hands so what else could I do). I thought about losing a son and I thought about my friend.
And I thought about the ticks. And the bitey mites. And the smelly dog. And about 671 other things that are stressing me out right now. And what I came up with was this:
I’m really glad I have four healthy kids. And I’m really glad my boobs can make milk for two babies. I’m glad I have a nice pump that I can pump with. I’m so glad I have a friend like Emily who would call me on behalf of a woman who needed help. I’m glad I have a husband who is here to help, and kids who are HERE even if their rooms look like a nuclear bomb explosion site) I’m glad I have a nice house. And clothes. And food. And cake.
The glad list kept getting longer. And less vital to survival than something like, say, cake, for example.
I’m glad I got this brand new (40 year old) sewing machine.With all these fancy knobs for fancy stitches.
And that I have an enviable yarn stash. (of which this is about 1/18th)
And I’m glad for this dog.
Mostly because he’s sleeping.
(Actually the dog is still making me batshitcrazy, but I’m trying to gain perspective here people.)
breastfeeding , crafts , crochet , knitting , whine
This is going to be a little something for me.
I’ll put up a super duper easy anyonecandoit tutorial soon.
In the meantime the blog is in it’s beta stages. My apologies.
Thanks for being patient while I lose my mind while trying to fix layout.
Standby. Tutorial to follow folks.
You may or may not pay any attention to fashion trends but in case you don’t let me just tell you, legwarmers are back baby. And by back baby I mean back, for babies. Do NOT go buy yourself legwarmers. I don’t care WHAT fashion trends say. The only person that should be wearing legwarmers is Olivia Newton John. In 1981.
b. Four of them.
i. Also, it takes me so long to finish any project that by the third month I’m bored and working on another project too (can I get an amen?)