weighty wordy wednesday ~ let’s just go ahead and talk about it

Weight.

 

I’ve been avoiding it. For like a hundred and twenty-seven reasons. I don’t want to talk about how much I weigh (a lot), because it’s too much (it’s a lot). Also I don’t want to talk about needing to lose weight because I need to, but I don’t really *want* to. And when I say I don’t want to, I don’t even mean I don’t want to be thinner or feel better. Because who doesn’t want that? And I don’t mean I don’t want to do the work. Because I’ve totally done it (I lost 60 pounds and went from getting winded after running 30 seconds to running 10 miles) and I know I can do it. I just haven’t really wanted to because I’m not really disgusted by my body like I used to be.

 

I blame the Man.

 

Damn him for loving me how I am. Damn damn Man.

(He’s awesome.)

 

You may have read the one where I talk about how I used to be like so super skinny. Or the one that caused all the fuss.

 

But anyway everyone has their breaking point and I have reached mine. I am at *THAT* place. The place where I don’t just see myself in photos and think, “oh yeah you’re a little chubby but that’s totally ok. Have a cookie.” I have reached the place where I see myself and think, “How can I immediately destroy this photo? And possibly the camera just to be safe.”

These are the things I know to be true:

1. There are women who lose weight while breastfeeding (Dear Women Who Lose Weight By Breastfeeding Alone, I am jealous. I won’t say I HATE you because hate is a strong strong word. But yeah. You’re lucky. That is all.) I am not one of those women. I have never been one of them even back when I was young (and could eat a cheesecake and not gain a pound) and had one baby I was not one of them. Add four babies and 16 years. It makes a difference. Oy. So breastfeeding is not enough for me. Damn. Maybe if I had triplets?

2. I am not meant to be that thin. I can say this because I’ve been THAT thin (125 pounds which is incredibly small for me) and it was almost impossible to maintain. It’s important to not apply an ideal to yourself that isn’t YOUR ideal. I cannot run 5 miles a day AND go to the gym AND ride my bike. I mean I COULD but I’d never see my children and my husband and I’d be thin but obsessed probably and it’s all about balance. I am round. I am busty. I am soft. I used to picture my 16 year old self and think, “Well that’s the ideal.” No. It’s not the ideal. I was not a grown up woman at 16. I had not given birth. I was not a mother.  I was not 36. Striving to fit into the jeans I wore in high school would just be stupid. Also, they were acid washed which was a bad bad fashion trend anyway.

3. I eat. I am not going to try to claim I starve myself and still am overweight. I’m not going to try to say “Oh i don’t eat THAT much. I must have a thyroid problem.” Because I definitely do NOT have a thyroid problem. Unless the thyroid is where your cupcake drive is. Cause then yeah, I have hypercupcakethyroidism. Like furreal.

4. I don’t have any desire to be a single digit size. Honestly. Size 10 is just fine. When I’ve lost weight in the past I immediately became so addicted to the result of the loss that I kept setting my goal lower and lower. Until eventually I was smaller than I had been since I was 15. And honestly I looked like a really muscular bobble head. It was not cute. Like at all. My husband may feel free to weigh in on this one. (He is the authority on the matter because he has seen me THAT thin. And now. I’m like a totally different person. Or two people.)

5. I like muscles. I do. But I don’t have any desire to be rock hard or bounce a quarter off my abs. I am honestly and truly in a place where I enjoy being soft and round. I actually like being a little squishy. I like that my kids memories of their mom will be that she was soft. Also my husband likes soft. And I like that. That being said I also like shapely calves and arms so squishy in the right places, muscle-y in the right places.

6. And while we’re on the topic of soft and round…I’ll just confess. I am honestly terrified to see what I’d look like if I weigh less than 150 or 155 pounds. While those numbers do not appear in the range of what is apparently ok for my height, I know (because I’ve been there) that at a certain point parts of my body start to deflate. Namely my soft underbelly and Mt. McBoobs. This point was probably around 150 pounds before I was pregnant for the fifth time. I can recall being quite upset that I was thin for all intents and purposes but my belly looked just frightening. Moms, holla. You know what I’m talking about. Anyway. I am not going to get a tummy tuck ever. SO… all this is just my longwinded way of saying I’d probably rather just have a round belly than a deflated one. This also goes for the Grand Tetons. Amen.

So what’s important:

1. Fitness is important. It’s not important that I be able to run 10 miles. But it is important that I can walk and run and chase kids around. And generally not feel like I’m going to have a cardiac arrest walking up the stairs.

2. Food is important. And healthy, fresh food even more so. Cupcakes are important too. Balance.

3. While we are on the subject of balance. Balance is important. I really am a believer in the “all things in moderation” motto. Yes that means exercise. And food. And a good Cab. And time with family. Not in that order.

 

All that being said I have set REALISTIC goals. These are things we all can and should be doing and aren’t extraordinary.  This doesn’t mean I’m trying to lose 10, 20 or 40 pounds, though ultimately I would like to lose some weight. I will weigh myself but only as a recording tool. I’ve been weighing myself almost daily (or at least weekly) since Ella was born and so far I’ve done absolutely nil with that information. So I’m not going to start to becoming scale obsessed now.

Here’s what I am capable of doing at this point. I say capable because I’m not trying to set myself up to fail. I know I can’t (nor do I want to) spend hours at the gym. I like food and my husband and I like to cook and eat together. I also like to bake. And frankly I’d rather eat cake occasionally and be a little bigger than never eat it and be a size 6. That’s my trade off. I give myself permission to love cake. So anyway… here:

1. Water. Drink it. This is so simple and yet for me so easily overlooked. I don’t love water. I know I should but I don’t. So this, while simple, really is a goal for me.

2. Fruits and veggies. Eat them. I do ok on this front but need to do better. There are plenty of fresh and dried things around to eat. So that.

3. Exercise. Do it. Right now I’m doing the 30 Day Shred again. It’s not realistic for me to say I can work out 30 minutes EVERY day, because some days I just can’t do it. But I can say 5 days a week. 30 minutes isn’t that long and I don’t have to leave the house. Also I’d aim to walk with Ella (the Man and the other kids too when they are here) at least 3 times a week for 30 minutes.

4. Sleep. Get it. You know, when I can. This is probably the number one problem most women (and men) have right now. I am SO CAPABLE of functioning of 6, 5, 4 or even less hours of sleep. That DOESN’T MEAN I SHOULD. There are so many studies that show the vast difference between 6 hours and 7.5 or greater. Honestly when I nap I feel lazy. I lay there and tally all the things I could or should do but the fact is it isn’t lazy. It’s really necessary. I lived for many years being proud of myself for functioning on 3 and 4 hours of sleep. I went through nursing school that way and I worked nights that way. There were 4 day stretches where my total sleep would equal 8 hours. In four days. That is not something to be proud of, it’s stupid. Also besides making you stupid, lack o sleep sows your metabolism making your body think it needs to protect you from some awful thing, you know, like NEVER sleeping.  So sleep.

 

This is for ME. Do I want my husband to think I’m beautiful and sexy? Yes. Do I want my kids to see their mother as fit and healthy? Yes.  But this needs to be for me. It’s very easy, especially when you have small children to get caught up in what they need, what your house needs or your husband needs or your friends need. I’m guilty of feeling guilty for being selfish but a little selfish goes a long way in being to able to do all those other things.

So there you go. That’s where I am. Not a funny today but a serious. Because it’s all about balance.

 

So what things are you doing for you?

 

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Comments
14 Responses to “weighty wordy wednesday ~ let’s just go ahead and talk about it”
  1. I think I have hypercupcakethyroidism as well. strange. Yeah I can’t figure out what people were talking about with loosing weight while breastfeeding (though the amount of cookies I eat probably doesn’t help).

    I really liked this post, I am right there with you. And that silly tummy thing, I feel like even if I did loose the weight I would just have a nasty jelly stomach. And I have only had 1 kid.

    You are beautiful by the way. :)

  2. Genny says:

    There is always a little funny in your posts…and we adore that! I am working on the following: more water, 30 minutes of some form of exercise a day and at least one salad per day (meal replacement…cause I really don’t do veggies enough!). I know i have hypercupcakethyrodism..or some rare other form of cakeitis! But I LOVE food and quit frankly I am happier with a little extra if it means I get to enjoy life. I do not begrudge myself so some nights a glass of wine and some chocolate is the best cure for a bad day. As for a deflated stomach, I nursed my friend through her tummy tuck and YIKES!!! I would never do that to myself or wish it on my worst enemy. I have always thought highly of your looks. I think you have set reasonable goals and I am sure that you will work through the not wanting to to a place where you find the balance. Plus nice weather is coming and I am sure you will find your grove in the SUN!

  3. Missy says:

    I love your honesty, as usual. I’m with you on the stomach & boobs thing too. After a certain point, they would both look better with “stuff”‘ in them. I have to say, I very much enjoy not having a muffin top and pooch since losing some lbs. I used to wear Spanx under everything because I hated my mid-section so violently. So the improved self image and lowered body hating has been good for me. Just do what you need to do so you’re not “there” anymore. No matter what “there” is for you… Destroying cameras is not the answer. ;) You are an incredible woman and set a fantastic example for your children. In the end, you will remember that. Not what size pants you wore. Love love!!! Xoxo

    Ps I have hypothyroidism and it sucks. I lost my eyebrows in high schools and they never returned. Plus I’ve struggled with my weight because of it for about 13 years. It’s totally overused as an excuse though and I hate that people automatically think that instead of, hmm could I be eating too much or not moving enough? Sorry, stepping off soapbox. :)

    • mommabare says:

      yeah the thyroid is kind of important. Like sorta vital and everything.

      and yeah I lament the mid section a lot. I like yoga pants though.

  4. Staci Sheets says:

    I love you for so many reasons :) Mostly I feel lucky that I get the real-live version of your blog, in your living room, all while playing with your delicious baby. You inspire me in so many ways :) Let’s walk and talk next week, Lord knows it’s about frickin time to put up or shut up. (me, not you). You are doing the shred, the only thing I’ve shredded the last few days is the pound of cheese I put on last night’s enchiladas. ;) Not even joking.

  5. liz says:

    I have been thinking about my Jillian videos. Thinkin real hard. Thats a step, right?

  6. Svanhvit says:

    Thank you for this post!! You seem to be in a similar place like me :) I have been battling some serious health issues I told you about a while back, which made it really hard for me to do anything. So I actually got the order (from a doctor) to be a bit selfish and do something for me. Right now, I go to a terrific course 3 times a week and it’s doing wonderful things for me. I have to slowly build up, in order not to relapse (and right now I have a very nasty cold and am somewhat thrown back), but I fully intend to build up my strength and stamina. All within reason :)

  7. momofM&Ms says:

    So I can lose weight breastfeeding.. but umm now I am 45 so that will not happen ever again.. Ya know I love me walking and gazelle thingy.. and the shake weight..seriously that sucker works.. and I have no more bat wing…

    I love cake…( not as much as you) and I have maintained the same weight for 7 years, not including the 4o I gained ot have the Mack..Love who you are…Cause I do…

    BTW you at least owe me a few comments if no phonecalls… jsut saying. :)

    • mommabare says:

      You’re right and I’m a slacker loser. And you’re awesome because you have managed to stay skinny. I’m impressed. (though I loved you before and in my mind that’s still Holly :)

  8. Stef says:

    So, yes. Yes, yes, yes. I’m with you. There’s soft, and then there’s too soft and I’m too soft. Just too everything. I hate pictures. The camera is my enemy. (Unless I can take 97 pictures of myself and then find the angle I like the best). I have the best of intentions but I have a hard time keeping up any exercise regimen. I’m not sure how to get there but I’m trying. Baby steps to make my life a little better. I started going to the Chiropracter to take care of those aches and pains. I will hopefully be getting new glasses next week to take care of that issue. I am trying to work less and get into bed earlier. Hopefully all of those things will help inspire me to stick with some exercise. That, and the weather is becoming nice again. I need motivation!.

    • mommabare says:

      Yes do all that. All of it. Honestly Stef, I don’t love working out at all. It’s not my favorite thing. I’d much rather blog or sew BUT balance. I’m trying to do it to that end. :)

  9. Susan L says:

    Things I do for me (for reals) that do and don’t work but at least I tried:

    1. Put on the workout clothes (even if I don’t end up using them before I take them off that day). At least I got the right outfit on the right body. It counts.

    2. Get the dvd out of storage. So, I may not play the crazy ab lady’s dvd, but at least I looked at it. It counts.

    3. If the scale says 5 pounds more than the last week, I say it’s broken and get new batteries. If it says 5 pounds more than that, it’s the clothes I’m wearing. Or the shoes. Or because my hair got longer. Because hair is super heavy.

    4. Blame it on the dog. She can’t talk back when I do that, so that always works.

    5. Daily forgiveness. In times when I have not worked out for years, I really seemed to forget this. Instead, I did awful things, like smoked ciggies like a chimney, retail therapy, and more retail therapy and ciggies. I felt even more guilty and stressed out afterwards and had even more things I felt I couldn’t forgive myself about.

    I wonder why we women are so hard on ourselves. This has been so for me ever since my teens. When I was in my twenties, in what I now consider my prime, I was always thinking, “if I just lost 5 more pounds,” or “if I could just have more even skin tone,” and “if” about 10 thousand more things. Now, I say, “I wish I still looked like I did in my 20s!” My point being, I think we should be happy where we are, although that is so hard.

    The end, for today.

  10. Emily says:

    Joni,
    If you were within my reach I’d hug you. We’d walk for 30 minutes with our babies and then enjoy a bite (or 5) of cake because we deserve it. But it would be carrot cake to get our veggie fix ( don’t forget the cream cheese icing).
    No. Seriously.
    Your words were just what I needed to hear. Another mother who doesn’t strive for rock-hard abdominals and size 4 jeans. A mom who knows she’s doing well to set a goal to work out for 30 mins as many days as possible as long as busy schedules and hungry babies allow it. Someone who loves her 16 year old self but knows that girl (not woman) has been replaced by a incredible mommy machine of a body. A body with mountainous knockers.
    Thank you. Really.

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