WHAT? Wednesday

Ok welcome to another edition of Wordy Whiny (and Weighty) Wednesday.

 

You may or may not remember this (depending on 1. how good your memory is and 2. if you give a damn at all) post about weight and fitness and blah blah blah (well you know not blah blah blah but close). So I’ve been doing those things I talked about. I’ve been drinking water and making sure I’m eating good (and ok I made cookies too, cause BALANCE PEOPLE, BALANCE) and I’ve been walking and cursing at doing Jillian when I can (or I should say when I prioritize it and frankly my knee is killing me soooo there’s that excuse) and the scale? Well it went up. OK that’s fine. Cause I ate pie so I asked for it. The first day of Jillian I almost DIED but by the fifth day I only felt a little like I was going to have a stroke. So that’s an improvement. BUT I’ve also been resting and crafting a little and tapping into my creative side. Oh and also I was taking care of supersickvomitingandpooping and now crabbywhinyteething baby but thankfully at least some of that has passed now. And I’ve been gardening and getting that going. Oh AND chasing the dog out of the garden so that’s exercise right? I’ve also been trying to tackle some small projects (well you know small in the grand scheme of things but not that small really) and starting new projects and checking off the list.

 

Today I decided to tackle my dresser.

 

Dun dun dun.

 

See yesterday I went to lunch with my lovely friend Staci and her super dee duper daughter Peyton and before I went I said to myself, “SELF, maybe you want to wear something besides yoga pants. Just sayin. You look like a hobo.” So I went to my dresser and found I could scarcely open it for the clothes that were SHOVED WILLY NILLY neatly folded inside. So I said to myself, after having NO success whatsoever, “Self. Add this to the list. Cause homie… this is ugly.”

 

So today at 6:15 am I dumped that whole damn thing out.

 

AND OHMYDEARLORD WHERETHEHELL DIDIGET ALLTHESECLOTHES?

It’s ugly friends and that’s just the dresser.

See I used to be skinny. Sorry to keep bringing that up but you know, it’s a valid point in the grand scheme of things since it was only like 2 years ago. (Come to think of it I may be reaching the end of the phase where I can still consider that recent. Well crap.)

Anyway.

When I was skinny (or more aptly when I was depressed) I bought a lot of clothes. I’m not particularly proud of this behavior but there it is. Some of them were, shall we say, rather pricey. OK SO WHAT if I have five pairs of Lucky Brand Jeans in size 6 and 8? They were different STYLES. :-/

 
Sigh. FIVE pair of pants I cannot, and most likely will not ever, wear. I thought I might try to sell these $100 per pair jeans on eBay but it turns out there isn’t much market for jeans that were $100 three years ago. So shit. And what did I find to wear…. Zip. Nada. Nil. Zero.

And where does this leave me you ask?

Well with an empty drawer and a frustrated brain. Of course.

Frustrated because A. I spent $100 on jeans I can’t wear (5 pair …so $500 really. Oh I feel sick.) B. And self loathing because I distinctly remember saying to myself when I lost all that weight “I’ll NEVEREVEREVEREVEREVER in a million zillion years weigh that much again.” Sigh. C. A little more self loathing because HELLO the way I got back to not fitting in my pants was by creating HUMAN LIFE. A sweet little bundle of precious joy who I absolutely cannot imagine my life without, so why am I beating myself up? (even if I could have skipped the cookies) D. And yet even more self loathing because I feel like I falsely advertised a 125 pound woman to my husband when what he ended up with was a 177 pound woman. (and yeah that’s really what I weigh so go ahead and process that number. I’m not trying to lie about it.) E. And even more self loathing for all the self loathing.

And since I’m not going to lie I’ll tell you this… when I finished cleaning out the dresser, and I had set aside the appropriate piles (one to donate, one to turn into wipes for the baby’s butt,  one for repurposing, one to save {that’s where the jeans I’ll never wear are just because I can’t sell them and dangit if I’m giving away $100 jeans}, one to give to my 15 year old {excuse me while I throw up} and one to give to Staci’s daughter) I sat down and had a good ol fashioned PMS induced tear fest. Partly for the aforementioned reasons and partly just cause I needed the emotional cleansing.

Then I talked to the Man and bent his ear for a half hour (hour?) and strangely felt even worse after that because in all love and kindness he essentially told me to get over my narcissistic self.

 

And he’s right.

 

And he said, “If you told me that you’re happy the way you are and this is the way you’re going to be for the rest of your life, I’d be perfectly happy with that because what I WANT IS FOR YOU TO BE HAPPY.”

 

And dammit he means it. And also… he’s right.

Why is it so hard for us to love ourselves? When life is beautiful and good. When we have healthy families and husbands we love. When we can walk and run and keep up with our kids. When we have healthy food and shelter. When we have essentially NOTHING to complain about. At. All.

Why do the size of the jeans in the drawer matter?

 

Does anyone out there want some $100 jeans?

 

 

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Comments
16 Responses to “WHAT? Wednesday”
  1. momofm&ms says:

    Damn, if ya weren’t short I would take those jeans..LOL maybe I could wear them as capris.. it is hot here…ROFLMAO…seriously.. I totally love ya.. and ya have been here before… I agree with the man.. time to get over it! and I said that with a huge hug, tears in my eyes, full of love and the awesomeness that you are…NOw, can ya come and clean my house?? you are better than I am !

    • mommabare says:

      They are regular length. SHEESH I’m not THAT short. ;)

      • momofm&ms says:

        not that you are that short.. that my legs are freaksihly long…I know you too well to think that ya bought lucky jeans with a 36 inseam.. seriously.. Fed Ex would already be standing at your door with a $500.00 check.. and I could care less that you bought them three years ago.. cause ya have great taste and a timeless style..

  2. TMae says:

    I don’t have much issue with the size of the jeans, but dammit, I’d like some that fit. Blech. I’m sick of looking like I just rolled out of bed – OR – like the sad step-sister wearing her pretty sister’s hand me downs. *sigh*

    • mommabare says:

      Yeah that’s where I am with shorts. I need some. Like now. Or yesterday. It’s going to be 90 here today and I’m wearing a skirt. And it’s a long skirt. Which is fine except I look like a mennonite about to go to church. Which is also fine except I’m neither mennonite nor going to church….

  3. Stef says:

    Um, yeah. We’re on the same page, sista. You know what helps me sometimes? Seeing myself the way other people see me. Helps me to get perspective. Sometimes I feel like my weight is all that I am but to other people that’s just not the case. Like when I look at a friend and I can see she’s heavy but that’s such a small part of who she is in my eyes. It’s all about acceptance and self-love.

  4. Amber says:

    haha okay we might be living the same life in just opposite states. (I posted on a previous post you had) I too lost a ton of weight when DH and I got together 4 years ago….I had just left a crappy marriage with 3 kids…met the love of my life was feeling like a teenager and it melted off (with exercise of course…honestly I didnt want him to see me naked with the baby pounds) anyhoo…we have our little girl now and I also gained it all back….I am a 14/16 now and I was a size 7/8 before. I have all my cute skinny clothes hanging in my closet while I wear my fat lady clothes…sigh. I will lose this weight again though….I just know it :)

    • mommabare says:

      Whoa. Wait a sec? Are you me? Am I you? I lost my weight while still in the previous marriage but yeah. Size 4? 6? Oy. I weighed less than I did in high school. 125 pounds. Now… Size 14/16. :-/

      So how are you coping with this? Tell me!

  5. Staci says:

    I just now finished my pathophys, and my many many med sheets and I thought, self…you should look at IG, see what the creative types have been up to…and then I saw the pillowcases and the closet, which led me here. And I just wanted to tell you before I head to bed for 3 sad little hours that I love you…and that is all. Oh, and Pey is super excited about being one of the lucky recipients of your great taste :) night.

  6. Susan L says:

    Jillian killed me last week, too. Don’t forget the body resists weight loss and retains h2o when u start back up and then, POOF, you drop a bunch of pounds.

    For the jeans, one word: repurpose!

  7. Missy says:

    I am giving you a hug right now and hitting you upside the head at the same time. Love where you are and the fact you have such wonderful adoration from the man of your dreams. $500?? People wish they could pay that much for your life. No shit. I’ll take the jeans off you if you do want to get rid of them. You say you donated them as a tax write off to the military or something. ;)

  8. Erin says:

    So yesterday I went to the Gap, they gave me a %3o off coupon when I walked in the door!!!, and I proceeded to try on 6 pairs of the same exact cropped jeans, in three different washes, all in the same size. Only 2 pairs fit. Those fuckers are trying to give us all complexes.

    And can you come clean out my dresser, the girls dresser, their closet and my closet? I just can’t seem to make myself do it. I’d rather make dessert.

  9. Amber says:

    Well on a side note by your pictures I think that you look great :) So how am I coping…well I try to limit our showers together and we make love with the lights off or my granny night gown on. (He hates this lol) I need to get back on some kind of diet/exercise program but for some reason I only stick to it a few days. You know how it is when you have four kids. I am lucky to find time to take a shower and do my hair and make up! Okay so this is also going to sound crazy…but we are wanting to try for baby number 5. So I would really like to lose this weight before that happens. My Hubby just never makes me feel bad about it. He always says he loves me just the way I am and weight doesn’t matter. So I think I use that to have cookies and milk in bed at night. HA!

    • mommabare says:

      Well we shower together every morning… So I can’t hide. And there would be no sex with clothes on. Ever. If I covered myself up he would be absolutely insulted and would not be shy about saying so. So, no luck there. LOL It’s been my experience that it’s less about how I look (ie my weight) and more how I carry myself. I wore a cleavage baring dress yesterday and he couldn’t keep his hands off me. He told me that he thought I could rock a bikini (he’s insane) if I carried myself confidently. So even he must think it’s more about attitude. And he’s probably right. There are times when I look at myself and I really FEEL beautiful. It’s the strangest thing to know that when I was this size before I thought I looked downright awful and now I often feel like I look shapely and beautiful. Bizarre. And yeah, we are thinking about baby #5 too and what you said. ANNND what you said about cookies and milk only it’s cake here.

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